The Lives We Live

by Valerie Lim

When I was living in Shanghai, I was fascinated by the lovely doors that I’d pass by each day. Intricate carvings, brass handles, multicoloured hues and shades, and the lovely patina of aged wood would often catch my eye. When I was not caught up in the mad rush of people and errands, I would take the opportunity to capture some of these doors on my humble phone camera. So when I started looking for a picture to update my Skype profile recently, I decided to use one of my favourite door pictures that I had photographed in the charming old town of Lijiang. As I was uploading the photo, a quote by Flora Whittemore suddenly came to mind:

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.”

The doors that Flora Whittemore is speaking of are the doors of our minds. The quote is simple and yet so full of meaning. The door is a metaphor for life, chances, opportunities; perhaps a passage from one stage of life to another. Closed doors represent exclusion, loss, rejection. Every day we are faced with choices, both simple and complex. What doors have we opened? Or opened and then shut quickly because we didn’t like what we saw behind it? Whether we take advantage of some of these opportunities, or we let others pass will determine how we want our lives to be. Remember the 1998 movie Sliding Doors starring Gwyneth Paltrow? The film alternates between two parallel worlds based on two paths the main character’s life could take depending on whether or not she catches a train. It was an eye opener for me as it showed how different actions can result in totally different outcomes in our lives.

Closer to reality, I am intrigued by the story of 35-year old artist David Choe. In 2005, an unknown start-up social networking site approached Choe with a proposition. Sean Parker, president of Facebook at the time, asked Choe to paint his famous murals on the office walls and offered him a choice of $60,000 or company stock. Choe, a self-admitted rebel and risk taker, chose the stock. Today Choe is worth more than US$ 200 million. While most would have gone for the cash, which in itself was a sizeable amount, Choe decided to open the other door that stood before him. Needless to say, life for Choe is now very different. When I face a closed door, it is only natural for me to experience curiosity and uncertainty. Sometimes doubt. What would I find behind the door? Would I encounter something positive or negative? Would I be disappointed? It’s easy to forget that I have the choice to create the life I envision to have. It might mean thinking out of the box or making some rather uncomfortable or difficult decisions. Choe took a gamble and chose the door less opened. Today not only is he a very rich man, but he is much sought after by the media who want to know about this unusual choice he made.

What if I find myself in a situation where I could help open doors for someone else? Would I seize the opportunity to do so or just walk on by? In 1995, the manuscript of a struggling unknown author landed on the desk of publisher, Barry Cunningham. This manuscript of a children’s story had been turned down by 12 other publishers before it arrived on Cunningham’s doorstep. Cunningham was unsure but the decision to publish it was influenced by the 8-year old daughter of his chairman, Alice Newton. Alice was given the first chapter to read and she immediately demanded the next. Cunningham opened the door for J K Rowling and as they say, the rest is history. With an initial print run of just 1000 copies, of which 500 were given to libraries, J K Rowling’s Philosopher’s Stone went on to sell 450 million copies. J K Rowling wrote another 6 fantasy novels in the series and Harry Potter is now a global brand worth an estimated $15 billion. Is this a door we would have opened if we were in Cunningham’s shoes? What are some opportunities that we have missed as a result of uncertainty, insecurity, fear of failure or just plain old inertia? Have we stayed on at our jobs because we love the work we do or because we do not dare venture out to try something new? Have we embraced the opportunity to take on a relocation job outside of our country or would we prefer the security of our own home? When my husband first spoke to me about relocating our family to his company’s head office in the United States, my heart sank. I was doing well in my career; our youngest child was just 3 and we had the wonderful support of two live-in helpers and my parents who lived close by. Life was good and comfortable. The thought of disrupting our lives and moving to a new and unknown place scared me. As it was a good opportunity for my husband, we decided to go with the flow and take a chance. I said good bye to my family, friends and a wonderful job. After all, I thought, the 3 years would just fly by. It was only 8 years later that we found ourselves back in our home country. The 8 years were a wonderful time for all of us as we faced new experiences, made new friends and opened our minds to new cultures. It was wonderful. It was definitely a door worth opening, not just for my husband, but for every member of the family.

What about the doors that have been open for a while and perhaps is now time for us to close? Have our beliefs or values changed over the years? Do we have people around us who just wear us down, disempowering us? Perhaps a relationship is not working anymore and it is time to move on? Is it time for a new journey? It takes courage and commitment to be able to close these doors tightly behind us as we walk ahead and move on to face other new opportunities and challenges. As coaches, we journey with our clients as they undergo life’s many changes. Are the doors to our clients’ hearts open or closed? Do they embrace change or cling to the familiar despite not being able to move forward in life? Past experiences often influence how they would act when facing a new door. Regardless of where they want to be or what they decide their life’s purpose is, it is important for us to guide them in setting goals to get there. Short-term daily actions will lead them in the right direction to their success. Of all the many possibilities available to us, what we choose to say, think, do and become, will influence how our lives turn out. Own the totality of who we are and realise that our destiny is really in the palm of our hands.